Father of the Bride Syndrome

I have a problem. It's gestating by the a person I know who is generally quite skilled at solving problems. This person is dad.

If I have a non-dad appointed problem (either involves sexiness or I can figure it out myself) I ruminate on it, I pontificate, I go for a run and swirl it about in my cranium. Once all that is done. I have a very solid answer that helps guide me in solving other problems.

I admit, that since I've been engaged, my fiance has done a swell job of filling in a lot of problems. I care not to replace dad, certainly not intentionally. The fiance and I live in Los Angeles and dad lives in Oregon. I have lived here for four years, so this isn't a new arrangement. I call him and shoot the shit at least every other day. All in all, I think I'm a fancifully attentive newly engaged transplant daughter.

The engagement announcement didn't go so well. I suspected this would be the case because when dad met future-fiance earlier this year, he didn't dig him too much. When I said, "Jab really enjoyed meeting you guys" dad replied, "well good for him."

Sick burn.

Since then, I've been aware that there is a divide. There is a rub. There is Father of the Bride Syndrome.

I am acutely aware of my father's mood swings. They are subtle and they are sharp. One time I got a sliver stuck under my cuticle of my fingernail. My dad getting pissed off is just like that. He's snarky, calculating, and knows exactly how to stick pins in me.

I am his only child.

Given all of this, I am aware of what types of things are going to turn his mood like a bi-polar meth addict, even if I don't know exactly what they are. So instead, I tell mom and hope that she'll just smoothly slide that info on over to dad.

I called mom to tell her that Jab and I were engaged. She was not surprised, but she was very happy that it was official. She started telling her friends, I knew because they started calling me.

But alas, no congratulations from dad.

Eventually, I got this email:

I am very happy for you. I know that you must feel whole now. I know that you must feel complete. I am glad that is the case. But he can never call me dad and I will never call him son. 'John' will do just fine.

In communications class in college they always taught us to end letters with the final takeaway. I got that one loud and fucking clear, dad.

I know that I am a bit sensitive about this. Generally I should chalk it up to nothing. But this is the most that's been said. Then he decided to launch our next of kin cannon on me: granddad.

Granddad is an interesting fellow. He should be made into a sitcom or an Ang Lee directed drama, I'm not sure which. He swings both ways in this case. Next to my dad, granddad is absolutely fearsome. He has been married twice, neither worked out so well. Because of um, personality clashes (hint: the common denominator was granddad). Consequently, he's less of a fan of marriage than say, the Pope.

My dad called the other day and told me I should call granddad and tell him that I am engaged. I felt like I was ten years-old being told that I have to clean my bathroom.

"Uhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh fine." I conceded.

"You know, I kinda already told him, so it's not a surprise, but he'll act surprised. And, I told him to try to say something positive, because this is very important to you."

The positivity from dad came in saying that someone else needed to give a positive statement. Someone he knew was virtually incapable of saying something positive, about anything. Because dad couldn't do it himself. Yup, that's what I heard.

I can't end this story with any kind of solution. I poured over Google books on "father of the bride" guides to try to understand what it is that he is going through. My fiance has a good job, we presently live together, we can pay our bills, he treats me like gold.

Quality titles such as "The pocket IDIOT'S guide to being father of the bride" provided me with useful information such as:

1. Dad feels like he will be second fiddle
2. Dad feels like he can no longer protect his daughter from life
3. Dad does not want this guy to take his place as main protector of daughter

All of this I understand, if one's daughter has been living a chaste life at home for the mass of her years. I firmly feel that if my dad knew everything I have done, has been done to me, and what situations I've put myself in, he'd feel quite fucking dandy about this whole marriage arrangement. But still, since telling my dad upsetting things frightens me, I can't tell him all of those things. I believe this will be the overwhelming case of marriages in my years. Many marriages are now secular and don't revolve around chastity and virginity. Will fathers ever accept that marriage, in some cases, is a sanctuary for women? Will they ever be able to realize that the married life is far safer, prudent, and sacred, regardless of religious backing than a life driven by Match.com dates? Regardless of its negative outcome, will future brides like me be perpetually stricken by Father of the Bride Syndrome?

In some cases, future fathers-in-law have a right to be concerned. If the engaged husband-to-be appears to have a wicked case of meth mouth and already has fathered five kids, yeah, that's a concern. I am somewhat blessed by my overprotective father, but this is truly the wrong time to choose to kick the overprotection into gear. I am now the most protected, safe, and happy that I have ever been.