Reasons not Rules: the Wedding Etiquette Police

I've always had a problem with etiquette. Mostly because it falls into the category of "stuff that someone else is forcing me to do", which automatically results in my response of "NOOOOOOO!" Of course this is a psychological problem, or emotional advantage over the competition, depending on your association with me.

As I am planning a wedding, I've had many a run in with this demon "etiquette". It often dictates that one defy standard social norms or even, gasp, logic. Rich people that can't figure shit out themselves often rely on this "etiquette" fellow to determine their actions for them. I'm not rich, I don't like rich people, and I don't like etiquette. When I ran across the "ETIQUETTE POLICE" section of BRIDES magazine, I not only had a field day of "fuck you!" frolicking about my brain, but I had the inkling to answer the questions asked of weary brides-to-be all on my own.

Question 1:

One of my bridesmaids is a jewelry designer, and she surprised me by making a necklace to go with my wedding dress. Trouble is, it's hideous. How can I get out of wearing it?

Writer's response in summation: Lie and say you love it but that you already have another necklace you'd planned on wearing.

My response: If it's heinous, she's either trying to stroke her own ego and jack of on you, or she's using you as a promotional tool. Either way, she isn't completely giving you the necklace out of love and elation. Tell her it's not your style and jam on down the wedding road. Or, option 2, take it and then "lose it", if you're really into testing out the limits of your passive aggressiveness.

Question 2:

My fiance doesn't want to invite his stepmother to the wedding, because she was the reason his parents split. Can we invite his father solo?

Writer's response in summation: No. It's standard practice to invite the spouse or partner of any guest who is in a committed relationship.

My response: Hell yes invite him solo! Who wants that homewrecker around? For all we know she'll taint your wedding with witches cheater spirits. Who wants to piss off the fiance's birth mother? She BIRTHED THE GROOM! She's entitled to a non-awkward day as well.

Question 3:

Our wedding falls during basketball-playoff season, and my fiance wants to find a venue with a TV so he can watch in case his team is playing. Won't this look horrible?

Writer's response in summation: Without a doubt.

My response: This isn't just YOUR day, you time hogging bridezilla, it's his day too. If he's going to take a few minutes every hour to check in on the game, and that's if his team plays, that's cool. Now, if he's a huge douche about sports and finds it necessary to bolt to plotz down in front of the TV as soon as the words "I do" slip from his lips, that's another story. If that's the case, perhaps you should reconsider whom you're marrying.

Question 4:

We want guests to feel free to mix and mingle during dinner. Is it okay to skip assigned seating?

Writer's response in summation: Only if you want mealtime to be crazy.

My response: If you're inviting people who can't figure out how to sit down and eat with people they may not know, then you've befriended retards. Make new friends.

Question 5:

Some of my relatives say they aren't coming to my three-thirty wedding ceremony because they've got weekly errands to run. They're planning only to attend the reception, at five. I'm offended! Should I tell them?

Writer's response in summation: Don't guilt trip them into attending. Let them attend the reception.

My response: Sounds like they want some booze and food without any effort. What are their errands? Watching the solar eclipse at exactly 3:31? You can't have your cake and eat it too guys, especially my cake, 'cause now you ain't coming to the reception.

In some occasions, I was harsh. I know. However, most of this is nonsense I wouldn't allow to go on at Dave and Busters', let alone my own wedding. Why does etiquette trump logic? Maybe because, like most traditions, we allow them to be rules, rather than reason.

As for my own upcoming nuptials, the only quandary I have surfacing is trying to convince my best friend of my disdain of bachelorette parties. I think the answer is, simply, "no".