My wedding got rave reviews and yours could too!

However, it is possible for you too to achieve such greatness in matrimony if you follow the simple instructions outlined below.

I was watching a lot of Bridezillas, Four Weddings, and Say Yes to the Dress while planning my wedding. Planning, however, is a loose term because I wasn't so much "planning" as I was giving instructions to people who did it for me. This is not as expensive as you think, by the way. These shows made me realize that there is no damn point in spending $30,000 in forcing a bunch of your friends to be bored, wear crappy clothes, yell at your family, and hate your spouse before you've even gotten your marriage license.

However, that is not to say that marriage is a stale institution that has no place is modern society. I vehemently disagree, but that's another topic. So, assuming you agree with me that it still has a place, just how do you make it not suck balls?

1. Don't spend more than $10,000

When you get all riled up about how much money you're spending, that's when things start getting stressful. I used to freak out about the maintenance of the color and quality of my fucking jeans when I spent $200 on them. Just stop. $100 versus $200 still covers your ass.

If $10,000 is a very large chunk of your income, scale it back again. One day of your life is not worth going into debt for which both you and your new spouse will be responsible for.

2. Don't have bridesmaids and groomsmen

My dad is an engineer. He used to tell me not to buy cars with "too many moving parts" because it was just more shit than can break. Well dad, I engineered the fuck out of my wedding by eliminating as many moving parts as possible. This includes bridesmaids and groomsmen. Your best friends are still going to be there, and they'll be really happy that they didn't have to wear shit that they don't like, and rehearse for your play.

3. Make your cake funny

All cake really is is something that's either going to turn to poo or fat. So don't stress it. Make it funny and everyone will be amused and happy.

4. Don't get flowers

This goes along with the "eliminate moving parts" idea. Why bother? They're going to die. Yes they're pretty, but only for a few hours. Then you won't care about what happens to them. Eliminate the flowers and eliminate some money and stress.

5. Make your own playlist on and iPod and let that shit roll

Why pay for a DJ? Be your own DJ! This cuts down on cost and "moving parts". It also eliminates the possibility that the DJ will play some stupid white people jam like "YMCA". You can rent iPod sound systems for about $150. You absolutely cannot have that. If you do, you must be voting republican.

6. Hire a photographer that is in school

They need experience. Don't pay $1500 for a photographer. Just go with a novice. If they have good equipment, they'll probably do a good job.

7. Hire a non-denominational, non-Bible thumper, officiant

Religious weddings are regimented and boring. Why are you getting married? Is it for you or for "god"? Do you want to simply profess your love in front of a crowd of people, thereby showing your future spouse just how committed and enamored you are? Go with someone creative, write your own vows, and put on a show like none of your guests have ever seen before. Hopefully this includes sodomy jokes.

8. HAVE AN OPEN BAR

This is the single greatest gift you can give your friends. Get them drunk for free. Your photos will be better, some people won't remember the whole thing, and if you're like me - your grandma will get hammered and make a toast. Forego the flowers and expensive photographer and get the open bar. Trust me.